Jeeves: Lyrics To The 'Lost' Songs

The lyrics on this page are published with permission by Alan Ayckbourn and should not be reproduced or stored in any form without the permission of the copyright holder.

Jeeves Is Past His Peak

Jeeves Is Past His Peak is the first song of Act II of Jeeves and sees Bertie confronting Jeeves about his unwillingness to help his increasingly desperate position (Jeeves being upset that the pair of them have not embarked on a world cruise). The song was not used in By Jeeves, but the sentiments of the song (albeit in a different context) are carried forward with What Have You Got To Say, Jeeves?
It was noted by several critics when
Jeeves premiered that it seemed ironic that a musical called Jeeves did not feature any songs featuring the character of Jeeves. When Alan wrote By Jeeves, he rectified this by adding a show-stopping dialogue by Jeeves in What Have You Got To Say, Jeeves?

Bertie:
Nothing's So Distressing
As to watch some fine old warhorse
Battling gamely onwards as
He heeds the bugle call.

Equally distressing
To see my old retainer
Plunging downwards, lemming-like
Too his decline and fall...

Sorry to say it's happened
Jeeves has gone past his peak
Sad to say -
He's had his day -
He's like an old antique
With mental woodworm.

Once he was like a razor,
Sharper than mustard without the cress
There's no denying, right now,
Jeeves is a mess.

All that old grey matter,
That he keeps beneath his bowler hat
Crumbling like old cheddar
As his evening turns to night.

Intellectual sparring
Is now simply quite beyond him.
Throwing in the mental towel,
He's given up the fight.

Once when we played a chess game,
There wasn't much reward.
I would find that I'd resigned
Before I'd set up the board -
He knew the gambits

Watching him do the crossword
Causing his parker to blow a fuse
And whilst he solved it - like that -
He'd read the news.

Where are they now, who would steer us through life?
Men who have spared us the fate of a wife?
Scrapped are they who'd fetch and carry,
Driving us to drink and marry...
Hearts the size of dinner gongs that beat as one.

Now Jeeves is ripe for pasture
Time for that long goodbye.
Not a clue - what I'll do -
I'll have to tie my tie -
Perhaps he'll teach me.

Backs to the wall for Wooster
Tighten the belt and adjust the dress
There's no denying - sans Jeeves -
I'm in a mess.

Maybe he ought to keep him
Stand him out in the hall.
To Hang his hat,
Things like that.
Useful for when people call -
For their umbrellas.

Drones:
But Could he survive without him?

Bertie:
Well, if you push me, I'm forced to say,
Completely frankly - no chance -
Jeeves has to stay.

Copyright: Alan Ayckbourn. Please do not reproduce without permission of the copyright holder.